Semi-Anonymous Hand-Job

Palintology

2008-10-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

God Breast America

2008-10-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

You Lied To Me!

2008-09-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

It's Gonna Be Ok...

2008-09-23T19:45:00.001-07:00

I'm Chad and I Approve This Message

2008-09-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

Presidential Vices

2008-09-11T09:47:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin has heart... and she'll feed her kids with it.

Who says you can't be a mom, a gun owner AND SEXY?

Picking up the kids from hockey practice and practicing my right to protest! Another day in the life of a normal small-town mom!

Precious Moments!

If fur is murder, death row must be FABULOUS!!

Track hates when I do this!! I guess it's not cool for your mom to hang out with your friends eventhough it's her DUTY!

Like a Neon Sign in a Tornado

2007-02-19T09:05:00.000-08:00

May she finally rest in peace.

I don't know where that hand's been, honey!

2006-11-21T19:38:00.000-08:00

Where the hell was this shit when I was home watching Reeeg and Kathy Lee all the way through the Ripa replacement years?
SERIOUSLY! Daytime TV is back!
CLAY Vs. KELLY, ROSIE VS. KELLY.....GAYS! I hope Rosie's blog is buzzing with all this. I imagine her entry to be like this:

today
shocked
regis and homophobe
it's my view
this day in age
this clay on stage
just a kid
someday
peace

MEth-A-LiSciOuS

2006-11-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

Not the Mama!

2006-11-08T14:34:00.000-08:00

Embarrass the potatos until well humiliated (Embarrassment times may vary)

2006-11-06T13:40:00.000-08:00

Comfort Food

Sauces

Leftovers

Turn that thing off! (Momarattzi)

2006-10-30T17:30:00.000-08:00

(Amber You're starting to piss me off!)

(Please notice the Floggy Molly t-shirt AND the Advent Wreath!)

(Moms going to OzzFEST!)

(how do you say "get off AIM" in korean?)

(MAX! Give me the fucking phone....don't be stupid)

DANCE! DANCE! DANCE! (like nobodys watching)

2006-10-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

That dead hooker just keeps falling...

2006-10-17T14:45:00.000-07:00

Click on her :)

You can't fool me MOBY!

2006-10-02T07:44:00.000-07:00

Chiuahuahs, Reverend Jen (girl with the elf ears), Debbie Harry, disco balls, shotty you-tube video stylings. Yeeeah it all seems pretty cool, but Moby is behind it all. That can't be good. I like meat and cheese waaay to much to fall into his schemes. (although I do like the song).

Like I said I'm 5000% Sure.

2006-09-24T19:20:00.000-07:00

Diet Coke + Mentos: taking suburbia by storm!

2006-09-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

"KYLE! Listen to me!" -Mom

There's real artistry in the technique and execution here.

"I need my dolls"

2006-09-22T14:06:00.000-07:00

I've been depicted as a doll multiple times this week. Which do you think most closely captures my grandeur? Keep in mind that "pit-stains" were not included in the body ebellishment options.

How Andy puts his Warhol on.

2006-09-21T10:55:00.000-07:00

"When I got my first television set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships." -Andy Warhol

"When I got my Myspace page, I stopped caring so much about having actual close relationships." Nine-Juan-Juan

"They love our women and they love our style"

John, You're still in the running to be America's Next Top Model...

2006-09-20T16:51:00.000-07:00

Well it's baaaaaack! Which means more awkward dialogue, sloppy post-production voice over edits, retarded girls and Tyra morphing from demure Tyra to sassy black Tyra faster than Oprah ever could. Of course there can only be one winner who after their meteoric rise into mediocrity will soon fade away and if lucky will land a yogurt commercial or a Tranny Fashion Show Judge cameo on Tyra's talk show. ANTM lets take a look at your best shots:

"oMG!! OMG!! I'm calling 911!"

I have Tyra Clocked at 2.1 seconds in her transition from demure to ghetto.
"LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS"

Thesse are not ANTM related but need to be seen. Tyra's interviewing style is somewhere between Babs Walters and Billy Bush:

IT'S ALL TOO SOON

2006-09-19T20:42:00.000-07:00

You Too Can Have It All!

2006-09-19T15:09:00.001-07:00

I am so Lucky....you lucky bitch.

2006-09-03T21:38:00.000-07:00

Yeah...Jaaaackie.

2006-09-03T21:35:00.000-07:00

The gift of .gifs

2006-05-11T21:00:00.000-07:00

Who Cares, I'm goin to Cabo. Wooo! I hate myself I hate myself

2006-04-06T02:57:00.000-07:00

Totally biting off Robin, but go fig I totes love Wonder Showzen as well.
THIS IS MY FAVE CLIP of ALL TIME.

perfect sense

2006-03-23T08:59:00.000-08:00

In dire need of Rhea?

2006-03-22T10:00:00.000-08:00

Hire her look-a-like, Elyse.

http://www.celebrityimpersonators.com/cp/rheaperlman.html

Lucky for you she's avail for immeadiate bookings. But don't sit around thinking Elyse can be at your child's next birthday last minute, or she can meet you and your friends after work at the bar to role play Cheers.

Elyse is very busy.

She has a cat.

She's the treasurer of her Bunco Team.

You never know when Rhea's star will rise again and work will pick up for Elyse. Won't you feel like a jackass when you promised your 12 yr old that Carla will be comming to serve drinks and sassy remarks at their birthday and now Elyse can't come because she's been booked to play Rhea in a made for TV movie about her life. Who's going to tell that 6yr old girl with lukemia that the mom from Matilda won't be comming to visit her in the hospital because she was just hired by Danny Devito to play opposite his wife Rhea in Twins II.

Better write down her info just in case.

Elyse is what can make or break your next special event.

Also she does a fairly descent Madame Hooch from Harry Potter. She's still struggling with all the quidditch terms though.

2006-03-22T09:33:00.000-08:00

2006-03-22T06:39:00.000-08:00

2006-03-21T07:56:00.000-08:00

Lunacon: The aftermath.

2006-03-16T12:46:00.001-08:00

Sooo I kinda said to myself I'm not going to write about Lunacon because as of Today I am still feeling it's effect on me. But I think I need to cleanse myself of the joy and terror that was Lunacon.

First off the NJTransit bus left me and my companions on the side of the highway in North Jersey. We walked to the world renowned reception hall "The Princess Chateau" where we called for a cab and watched a Quinceanera from the window. I peed in their bathroom. One word for ya, "Classy".

50 bucks later we get to the Hilton of Hasbrouk Heights New Jersey. Within I'd say about 3 minutes of just standing in the lobby I saw about 9-10 people who were wearing some form of fantasy t-shirt and who were also morbidly obese. Also a 6'4 transgendered m-f dressed as a lady vampire crossed the lobby at some point. After I recover from the shake giggles I'm off to attend the GLBT Meet and Greet with my fellow companions Bri-guy and E-dawg.

We arrive 20 mins late (or right on time in Gay -time) at the poorly lit small hotel confrence room only too see the very same 6'4 vampire m-f is seated as a panelist running the Meet and Greet along with a normal looking young gay man. In attendence are about 5 huge lesbos, a thin 15yr old alleged lesbian, 6 large homos with beards, and Amanda.
OOOOOh Amanda! How can you describe Amanda?! Ok here goes: take a 60 year old man, put him in a crushed velvet v-neck shirt, plop a dollar store blonde wig on him, and place about 10 Beanie Babie snakes into his purse. There you have Amanda. No Joke.

So we are going around doing an ice-breaker. Whats your name, tell us something about you. So we do the usual Name and profession. The Lesbos talk about their cats, the homos talk about their cats. A conversation about Xena Warrior Princess starts up, a Dr. Who gay kiss is discussed, some obscure fantasy fictions series is brought up. One of the lesbos has a dog named Pi with her in the confrence room that she's been hiding in a sweatshirt. The young gay man on the panel starts talking about how he's a music teacher at a Catholic School, which promts another homo to talk about his teaching experience and his love for unederage flesh. This mention of catholic school also prompts the man sitting to my left who has what I can only describe as a "Mooch" or Man-pooch ( a collection of fat that collects over the genital area creating a seamless curve from stomach to crotch) to talk about a tryst he had with a catholic priest. At this point I am harnessing all my energy not to visibly convey the ultra case of the douche chills I'm having. Then finallyAmanda is called upon to share some information about him/herself. It went something like this, "Well, umm, I don't know how much you all know about me but my names Amanda, and I have a boyfriend. We've been talking online. I have a webcam. He's seen me on my webcam and he accepts me and loves me. He's was 17 when we started talking now he's 19 and he's from Chile. We are working to get him to the United States" So Amanda is saying all this while sitting directly behind me which doesn't allow me to turn and face her as she's speaking, so basically everyone can see my face as she is talking which makes it even more difficult for me not to make my creeped out face. So the Meet and Greet is broken up when Jackie, the m-f vampire states that she's "got a LARP in 5".

We are met after the session by our female companions who are dressed as leperchauns from space. When we get back to the room I try to asses my feeling of shock. Amanda hit me hard. But I was glad to see that she was in an environment where she was accepted. The SF Con for her is mostly likely the only time she can feels accepted. Then the thought crossed my mind that Amanda has had a relationship for over 3 years with a Chilean boy, and I can't even say as much for myself. Deeeepresssing.

Later that night we get ready for the Goth Ball. We put a lot of effort into our look. When we get to the hotel restaurant which for this evening is to be the gothic setting for the ball, we are greeted by an aging man in leather pants and his frail wife who is dressed in a leather bra, chainmail headress, and equipped with an oxygen tank and nose tubes. And that was basically it. There was a guy in a mesh-shirt, a girl with vampire teeth, and a boy from Maine named Ar and us. Some ball!! Eventually most of our party went to bed and I and two of my lady friends went to attend the Science High School Alumni private party. We arrive to their party suite where we are asked to fill out a form and present ID. When granted access to the party we see the cream of the Sci-Fi community partaking in large quantities of booze and peanut M&M's. Also their was Karaoke Revolution. Those present were your typical SF people. There were about 10-15 slightly overweight guys in black shirts, the submissive asian girl, and bad dye job sf girls scattered amongst them. I met Joshy, who is a nebishy jewish boy from Kings Plaza, who was running the game room at the con. Eventually I see josh on the couch receiving a very intense under the shirt back rub from an older man I'm pretty sure he met a few hours ago.
I end up on the floor of my friends hotel room because my key doesn't work and freeze my ass off.

The next day if pretty uneventful. There was a raucous Harry Potter fan meeting that B-man attended. I can't remeber what I did. There were some wacky Amanda sightings. We had a lovely dinner then attended the Costume Masquarade. Basically this was like a high school assembly were people showed off costumes they made and they are judged. It was like being at an assembly at a high school were all the cool kids died in a bus accident during a ski trip.

That evening, after about 3 costume changes on my part, we attended a LARP. A live action role playing session that was in a medevial renaissance style held in two ajoining hotel rooms that had been decorated with orange x-mas lights, numerous batiqued tapestries and other knicknacks. At the door we are asked to state our identity. I picked Healer as did my friend Annie, and also my friend Aimee and her boyfriend Mike. As Mike later said dissapointedly "eww were a healer heavy group". We walk in holding sheets describing our abilities and mana points trying not to laugh and hold it together. A game of "Pig" is started and we sit on the floor and see who can roll a die and get to 50 first without rolling a one. I try and make a guild with all the healers so we can pool our power over the others. I then pursuade Evan who is a feral cat to turn Lizzy into stone so she'll stop evoking the dark shadows. I make an alliance with Justine the dark sorceress. By the end we forced the deticated LARPers to break character and we all start to telling our favorite dead baby joke. I find it to be a triumph in getting hard-core LARPers to break character. I am proud of myself.
We then go to the Science High School Alumni's Party part Deux which this evening has taken a much more goth and hardcore feeling. The attendee's seemed to be much older and hostile. I remeber something being chanted about "pussy" at some point. I strike up a convo with Christopher who earlier complimented me on my blue sequined jacket. He's 23, recent UCONN graduate with a degree in Math who by day fills out Excel spreadsheets for Fidelity bank in the Amhearst area. At night he slips on his Jinco jeans and his red n black embroiderd silk dragon shirt and he's ready to quietly stand there and look uncomfortable. PARTY. He was at the meet and greet earlier and we talked about that. I convince him he needs to drive me to IHOP tomorrow for breakfast. We exchange numbers and I never call him. Annie and Justine leave the party with two of the LARPers we had met earlier. Then I start talking to Myke, who was the other panelist for the meet and greet, Christopher's ex boyfriend and classmate at UConn. He's 23, a catholic school music teacher, and lives in Conneticut still. We talk about gays in fandom, gaylaxycon, random bullshit, and his heavy involvement in an online gaming community. He does a killer Amanda impression. I also convince him he needs to take me to IHOP tomorrow morning. I think I was pretty drunk at this point. Around 4am we saunter out of the party and I walk him back to his room. He quickly writes down his number, e-mail, and the web address of his online community for me. I also do not call him the next morning.

I'd like to get into his dark places.

2006-03-15T08:42:00.000-08:00

In honour (note the spelling) of Lunacon, I thought I'd dig up some hot brit sci-fi-comedy.
You may remember Garth Marenghi (Matthew Holness) on the Office as Simon the crazy tech guy who talked "absolute shite" about Bruce Lee. Well channel four gave him his own show, Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, a spoofy psuedo-80's sci-fi comedy. Which of course I used to watch. I think he's kinda hot. DM!

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

2006-03-15T08:28:00.000-08:00

The Madness That is My Life.

2006-03-11T20:32:00.000-08:00

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Can Grey's Anatomy Make You Want to Touch Yours?

2006-03-09T07:09:00.000-08:00

Can one effectively and or hypothetically masturbate to the ABC runaway hit Grey's Anatomy? The answer to that question very well may determine the series' longevity.

Will this cast get you off? and in turn get their series off
the ground?

It's the question that is on the minds of anxious programming executives everywhere as the dramedy Grey's Anatomy becomes more and more popular amongst viewers in it's shaky sophmore year, namely amongst the 20-35yr old age demographic. This demographic is home to one of the largest viewer sub-groups, pervs or perviewers. The perv subgroup has consistently served as a litmus test for determining wether a program will endure and gain ratings past the uncertain early seasons. Pervs have predicted the success of television's monster hits of the past decade and it seems will continue to do so in the future. According to Jeff Zucker, head of development and programming for NBC, perv-research predicted the record breaking achievements of Friends, Mad About You, and Frasier,"When we first premiered Friends we were all a little skeptical but then we starting getting an immense flow of sticky letters from perviewers and we knew right away we had a hit. We could be certain because when Mad About You launched in 92' the same thing happened. Pervs loved the Murray/Jamie dynamic. Eventually we recognized the trend and started development on Frasier in 93' because we knew when Cheers was airing Dr. Krane received a lot of perv attention, so did Cliff and Carla but it was impossible to get Rhea Perlman and John Ratzenberger in those days."

For now ABC firmly holds it's position atop the ratings heap while pervs firmly hold themselves in anticipation to pass their verdict. With perv-popular programs such as Alias, Desperate Housewives, Commander in Chief and America's Funniest Home Videos ABC is fairly confident of their continued achievement . Surely anyone, perv or not, finds international espionage, lawn mowing in an evening gown, a women as president and a stranger's baby running into a plate glass door incredibly arousing but what about witty banter and sexual politics played out once again in a hospital setting? When it comes to Grey's, as it's so affectionately called by it's fans, it's uncertain. Will Ellen Pompeo's Renee Zellwegger/Calista Flockhart looks keep perviewers pumping away? Is Sandra Oh's stoic mask-like face preventing pervs from making their own Ohhh face?

Oh's face makes viewers say "me not so horny"

Doug Woodrum who is responsible for predicting the success of Baywatch, ER and Who Want's to Be a Millionare with his own independent perv-work senses something amiss with Grey's, "I mean with ER it was no problem, but something about this dramedy isn't right. Maybe it's the sterile environment, the tedious dialogue or the trite plot lines. I don't know! All I know is that when I'm burping the worm nothing is happening. When I watch Millionaire I'm done before they even get to the $5000 mark." Perviewer Bev DiNafrio also finds her attempts to enjoy the program futile, "Sunday night is my night to sit back, relax and fill my pink taco with finger meat before I start a hectic work week on Monday. I light my candles, put the TV on mute and turn on Grey's Anatomy expecting to be having some ladyfingers and cream in no time. But when I take my hatchet wound to Seattle Grace Hospital my vag is D.O.A and there's nothing McDreamy can do about it."

Patrick Dempsey ponders "Is this doing anything for you?"

Low ratings amongst pervs has prompted the creators of Grey's Anatomy to include newer more perv-friendly characters such as Dr. Mark Sloane aka McSteamy, and Karen the spunky sexually questioning nurse with a penchant for thorough sponge baths. Creator and writer for Grey's Anatomy Shonda Rhimes insures viewers that "they've ain't seen nothing yet" and promises televisions first "sex related stomach pumping" to air this season.

What does the future hold for Grey's Anatomy? Perhaps high perviwership ratings are no longer needed to ensure the success of a program in the years to come. Is McDreamy dreamy enough?
Next sunday night at 10 P.M. EST listen closely for that distinctive sound of success: the insessent slapping of flesh mixed with muffled sobs.

Yeah, but no but yeah but......

2006-03-08T10:42:00.000-08:00

I'm debating on whether or not to buy the Little Britain DVD's. I love Vicky Pollard.

Here's a clip with a cameo from the Office's Big Keith! I love him!

Vicky in the Pub. Packett of pork scratchings anyone?

And finally what it would be like if I worked for the Prime Minister,

GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE!

2006-03-02T10:22:00.000-08:00

This is What I Do People!

2006-03-02T07:25:00.000-08:00

For those of you who've allowed your Town and Country subscriptions to go lenient, I am posting one of my newest creations that will be featured in next months issue. (This isn't the final copy, the gems are out of focus).

Also those of you not living in the cultural outskirts of our nation should check out this saturday's NYTimes Ad.

DAMN YOU BOWIE!!

2006-02-26T06:05:00.000-08:00

Lady McDonald

2006-02-24T05:12:00.000-08:00

Fashion Forecast: Jurassic Volcano spews forth neon puffy painted madness

2006-02-20T09:37:00.000-08:00

Listen fools! fashion week is over. Let me tell you what you may see next season. If these assholes ever get their shit together.

BOHO is dead and Mod-Prehistoric is king! Save those bones and tell the toothfairy to suck it if you want this seasons must have accesory: a tooth necklace! Keep it caveman, and keep it fun.
BONUS: Puffypaint is the new black....it goes with everything.

Must Do's for Him and Her:

If you were smart, then you saved all your shirts from the 90's.
Do: Dinosaurs, Eco Conscience messages, Endangered species.
Don'ts: Tigers, Native American themes, wolves.
BONUS: Neon Dinosaurs are a must have and a definate fashion do! Jurassic Park tee's earn extra points

The Look for Ladies:

If you wanna look good when you leave the house ask yourself these questions.
Is is it Acid Washed? (this Acid Washed Hard Rock Cafe Jacket is a major find)
Is it Neon?
Is it Lycra?
Is it a Tube Top?
Is it Empire Waisted/Baby Doll?
Has it been accented by a Bedazzler/sequins?
Is it SoCal Brand?
If you ansewer yes to all of these (and you should be) you're well on your way to being fashion forward.

The Look for Him:

For men It's all about pattern and color.
The Pattern: ZUBAZ or Large Plaids/flannels.
Keep it Grunge sans le heroin.
The Color: NEON/Flourescent and True hues.
If it glows in the dark, Extra Points!

So keep all this in mind when putting ur look together this season.
Just think "genetically engineered neon dinosaurs living with sexy cave people"

Awesome Parking Constant Pity

2006-02-20T00:15:00.000-08:00

Andy Capable and the Paulseys. (formerly Cyril and the Paulseys) is in my opinion the only band in the world actually making great music. Amazing lyrics, great melodies, and a stage presence like no other. Their music combines and incorporates many genre's such as Rock/Pop, R&B/Hip-Hop, Country, Electronic/Dance, Punk, and Noise seamlessly.

Basically it's a band where all it's members are sufferers of diseases and disorders which render them handi-capped.....but they are not disabled of making mind blowing music.

Their first world tour entitled Electric Wheelchair beginning in Japan this March shall kick off the release of their latest album Awesome Parking; Constant Pity. In Stores Now!
Here are some of my favorite tracks of all time:

Album: Awesome Parking Constant Pity

My Caregiver Steals
I'm a Slave (to Chairs) Melody by Brittney Spears
Your Love is More Twisted Than My Spine
Bedsores are Sexy
I'm Not Short, My Legs Don't Work
2 Second Walk to the Mall
My Legs Work Online (from the Murderball Soundtrack)
At Least I Don't Have AIDS (live from Live8)

Album: I Can Feel Your Love, Just Not My Legs : Ultimate Love Songs

Pair-a-lies from the Heart Down.
Would You Rather Be Seen in Public with Me or Be Raped by a Bear?
Don't Try to Read My Facial Contortions Cuz They're All Wrong
Room Enough For Two In This Chair
Let Me Touch You Without My Braces
You Let Go of My Heart at the Top of the Ramp

Album: Bloods Vs. Cripples

So Much Ice Cuz I Pay Less Taxes
I May Be a Paulsey But My Dick Ain't Broke
I'm Older Than Your Kid, but Less Capable
I Have a Chair in My Shower
Curbs Are the Enemy
I Got More Skillz than Xavier (featured in X-men II)

Album: Andy-Capable and the Paulseys: B-sides

Don't Give Up Your Seat for Me (I'm Always Sitting) melody by Seal
Chair Rail to Heaven
I'm Afraid of Fire Drills
Have Fun Fighting in That War
You're Not Special But I Am
Front of the Line (at the Theme Park)

Album: Paulsey Country Jamboree

My Legs are Lame, but This Song Ain't!
My Drool Cup Overfloweth ( Live from the Christian Teen Summit)
Change Me
I Can't Walk the Line (Live from Folsom Prison)
Sorry I Made You Get That Divorce (to my parents)
The Handicapped Man Can

I am 1Million % Sure.

2006-02-16T23:24:00.000-08:00

Scientists working on one of the most extensive geneology research projects in the world have discovered a new technique in determining paternity. According to sources on the Maury Povich Show, where the You Are/Are Not the Father geneaolgy research project takes place, when dealing with DNA paternity testing one can be "a million percent sure that thats my baby daddy"regardless of scientific evidence. Most argue that mathmatically only 100% truly exsists but this is why this technique is better. DNA Paternity tests take blood or cell samples from each party and scientifically test them with results that are only 98% sure. For example Shantel was a million percent sure that Diondre and not his brother Keshawn was the father of her two month old daughter Precious. She was in fact correct! This is not to say this new technique is fool proof. In the case of 3yr old Travis Jr., Travis Sr.(who was striken with a severe form of dwarfism) was in fact not the father despite the claims made by his wife Tina that she was "a million and 10% sure". Even the sweeping graphic which appeared on the screen after Tina made her claims that read "a million and 10% sure!!!!" did nothing. In many cases "sluttyness" and "dwarfism" can affect results.

Another factor which has left many in the scientific community skeptical is the "That Baby Look Mexican" Theory. This theory is blowing away much of the credibility that the 98% fool proof DNA paternity tests provide in determining paternity. Clearly if a baby looks mexican it cannot be yours. Although this theory has not been tested properly, many suppose it will be a major factor in challenging the "million% sure" claims made by mothers.

Overall the work Maury Povich and his team of scientists are doing changes the way we define paternity. The advances his team has made will surely change the world.

2006-01-10T21:10:00.000-08:00

Fantasy Brunch

2006-01-05T09:04:00.000-08:00

If you were given the ability to have any six celebs attend a fanatsy brunch...who would it be? I've finally got my list together. After years and years of painstakingly creating larger lists, then smaller lists, then sub groups , then finally a top ten, here's the final six.

My fantasy brunch goes as follows:
1. Judith Light
2. Markie Post
3. Joanna Kerns
4. Suzanne Somers
5. Sandy Duncan
6. Merrideth Baxter Burney
Who knows what kind of Shananigans these ladies and I would get up to once the mimosas start flowing!

That Marcy in Accounting Is A Whore

2005-12-30T08:17:00.000-08:00

Recently the idea of the office both as a physical space and a social construct has come into the forefront of mass media both in the commercial and entertainment realms (if those can ever be separated). Examples of this can bee seen in the recent success of the BBC series The Office (pure genius) and the movie Office Space. Many ill-planned sitcoms on network TV are now using the office as the backdrop in which their white-collar players barf out tired dialogue (ABC's Less Than Perfect, NBC's unnecessary rip-off of The Office).

Commercials are even tapping in to this convention, examples being the ongoing Burger King campaign with E's Joel McHale, Kellog's Raisin Bran Crunch spots along with their new Cheez-it commercial, Earthlink's campaign where customers decide the fate of it's workers, and the Pepsi-Co's campaign for Sierra Mist featuring Michael Ian Black. What elicits the use of an office setting to sell a breakfast cereal? The pairing seems to be off, but still it must be working otherwise it wouldn't be widely used.

As always mass media is channeled through it's need to reach a demographic with buying power. The presence of varied middle class is slowly fading away. No one wants to be middle class anymore. How can you blame them when you could take a dump off the side of any building and chances are your crap will hit someone who is doing better off than you are (well except the fact you just shit on their head). The American Dream to live "well and free" is now the dream to "live the best and free from a low tax bracket". No one is just keeping up with the Jones anymore. The Jones are dead, we caught up to them and ran them over with our Hummer and we are in the process of suing their family for damages.

The working' class blue collar hero of yesteryear who was a major chunk (and hunk) of the middle-class strata is perhaps the biggest group to disappear and so his depiction in media is fading (unless you're a King of Queens fan). Most labor intensive work is being outsourced overseas or performed domestically by illegal migrant workers. Don't expect NBC to premiere The Sweat Shop anytime soon. Even lower paying entry level white collar jobs have disappeared completely due to outsourcing. Now when you call Dell for tech support (first mistake was that you bought a Dell) you'll reach Linda. Linda is actually a 26yr old Bengali woman named Joti who recently graduated from a computer engineering program at her local university as has taken this job to pay off her bills. Linda was a name given to her during her cultural assimilation seminars.

In the same time we are seeing less and less of the workin' man, his image was recently being idolized, whether consciously or not, by hipster culture mostly seen in the all mighty trucker hat. Thankfully the trend is almost completely disappeared accept for actual truckers and those on a cultural delay (ie. The West Coast and Europe).

Unless you're living in Guatemala or have an MBA from Harvard finding a job is difficult. This is the situation recent graduates face in the job market. You're bachelor's degree is today's GED and guarantees you nothing except you may be so lucky as to work behind a desk or a fast food counter. Who's working in the white collar sector where all this advertising is geared towards? Who got in when the time was right? A good portion of the white collar realm is comprised of people in their mid to late 20's and early 30's. The X generation hung up their bungee cords and roller blades and put on suits. But they haven't forgot everything they learned in their more extreme days.

The genx'ers were one of the most difficult generations demographically to sell and advertise to. Inherit in that generation's cultural attitude was skepticism of big-industry and resistance to what they considered conformity. It's no wonder that commercial mass media is now tapping into the office as an effective means to sell products to a demographic that is both adept at spotting marketing schemes and has a large expendable income. In doing so they reach an audience that reaches a difficult demographic and also anyone who works in an office environment. These campaigns convey a message that says, "We are all working for a big faceless company trying to get up the corporate ladder and as you take that journey why not have a Sprite and big bowl of Raisin Bran?"

What does this mean for artists? Well the same thing has been occurring in the art market. There really is no such thing as an art job market; you are your work. But the demands for mid-price range work as well as the spaces that exhibit this kind of work are shrinking and are almost completely non-existent. This area of the art market provided artists to make a comfortable living; a middle class lifestyle.

Artists are supposed to starve and struggle you say? Well I guess that's true in that you can either starve and struggle with the only payoffs being more starvation and struggle or millions of dollars. People are only buying "investment pieces", million dollar works, from established artists or small scale works by outsider artists (who are the migrant workers of the art realm) or emerging artists. I suppose that is why most artists who could be considered to be making mid-range priced work are still dubbed emerging despite the fact they've been working artists for decades.

So what do these artists do with their BFA's (Bachelor's of Financial Agony) clutched in their hands? They make a living to support and pursue their passion hoping to one day be rewarded the ability to do only that. Many of them who in their undergraduate careers felt welding or wood working was not important to their studio practice mostly likely will not pursue jobs as arch welders, cabinet makers, or other hands-on employment. If art school was like high school they would not be the jocks, more like the fat kid in gym class. Instead they, the fat kids, are working in the sporadic, low to decent paying, benefitless white collar jobs that are still available. They are receptionists, temps, data enters, file clerks, phone operators all powerpointing themselves towards the bigger picture. I may be an office manager by day but I am an artist by night...On the weekend..When I have time...I really needed dental....I love my job I love my job I lobe my job.

What would happen if they were just artists in the office? They'd loose their jobs? Were they ever their real jobs?

While you were out making a living art called.
No, art doesn't work in accounting, that's Marcy and we all know she's a big whore.
.

Quality Women's Wear Apparel and Me.

2005-12-29T08:00:00.000-08:00

I am currently starring at three novelty calendars. That's right not one, or two but three depicting cuddly animals. Two are of kittens and one is of puppies. I suppose the woman I am temp-ing for, Marion, is an avid lover of baby animals. As I can see on her desk, she is a mommy. She has one golden retriever and a calico cat. I bet she sends Christmas cards to her parents signed "love your grand-dog and grand-cat". God I would kill to have her life.
I assume that in her fervor to purchase these calendars she could not decide on which one she liked best. I know you're thinking, "Marion why two kitten calendars? Why not go with the ducklings/chicks variety?" Well you sadly underestimate the keen and delicate eye of one Maid Marion. The two kitty calendars are vastly different. YES they both depicts kitties, but one depicts them in a much more casual manner. More like kittens in their element. The brilliant designers of this calendar did not feel chained to the pressures of the holidays or season that would effect the overall thematic expression. Marion recognizes this, and appreciates it.

According to Jaquie, the resident chief of operations here at Oxford ladies quality apparel, Marion is a very skinny woman who is constantly complaining about the cold, never eats, and hates using a computer. If only she knew the treasure trouves of kitty and puppy imagery the internet is.

Let me take a brief moment and talk a little about Oxford Ladies Quality Apparel. Imagine the movie Nine to Five. Now look beyond the 1980's office-chic business casual glamour of the leading ladies and shift your focus on some of the dumpier ladies in the office. A lil more, in the back, with the Kathy mug and the Entenmann's coffee cake residue on her blouse...That's her! The key demographic for Oxford Ladies Quality Apparel. She kind of still cares about clothing, but is sure as hell ain't gonna give up the comfort of the elastricband her sweat pants provide. She also would sub, and coffee stains.

Meanwhile these kittens and puppies are most likely the best part of my day so far. This morning I slipped on the stairs walking to get to the first of three trains on my commute. I fell backwards on my back and knocked the wind out of myself. For about five seconds I couldn't breathe. I hobbled and made my train alright, but my digital camera in my bag got it's display screen cracked. Hopefully I can still point and shoot with it. Photos of the office to come soon.

My Laundry is Cooler Than Yours, Mami.

2005-12-28T06:45:00.000-08:00

While eating KFC last night I could barely see past the tears in my eyes to shove the potato wedges in my gullet. I passed out around 8PM. TV blaring, lights all on. I then resurfaced at 10:55 PM thinking it was 10:55 AM which would mean I was late for work. This is the second time I've done this, this week. I passed out again and woke up at 4:00AM. After two hours of fucking with my ipod trying to figure out how to get a clip of Tyra Banks yelling at some girl on America's Next Top Model without itunes onto my ipod I went to the Atlantis 24hr Laundry mat with about 3 months' worth of clothing. It was pretty much empty except for this like middle aged Latino woman. We sat there and watched MTV on the embedded flat screen TV's. It's so bizarre how nice, clean, and high tech the Atlantis is.
Sitting there while listening to Kelly Clarkson's Behind these Hazel Eyes on my new ipod I was noticing that my laundry looked about 10x cooler than the Puertorican lady's laundry. Just the overall color combinations and intermittent incidents of pattern were riveting. Then I'm thinking everyone must think their own laundry looks the best spinning around.
Then I was thinking about Kelly Clarkson. I started to imagine her doing a music video in the laundry mat, which I think has been done like 1000 times, but this time she walks over all the washers to the folding station where there is a shiny steel pole and she just full-out starts pole dancing. Lot's of intense close-up shots, men throwing quarters at her. Then I'm thinking who the fuck is Kelly Clarkson.
I completely think she was that girl you couldn't stand in high school who always did the talent show assembly and forced you to suffer through her melodramatic renditions of The Greatest Love or whatever Trisha Yearwood song her vocal coach had the sheet music for that week. I'm pretty sure she worked at Sonic, and was a total bitch about it. Took it really seriously and would never hook you up with a breakfast burrito. Bitch.
Nonetheless I'm glad she's changing her image.

I spent the entire day yesterday ordering food on Freshdirect while at work.
Do I really need a pound of $5.00 Dutch Cheese?
Check out my list:

FreshDirect Parbaked Tuscan Rolls (6 pack
FreshDirect Pie & Quiche Shell (2pk)
Formaggio Fresh Salted Mozzarella
Leerdammer
Pecorino Romano, Imported
Amish Country Farms Organic 2% Milk (1/2 gallon)
Tropicana Pure Premium Orange Juice Original - No Pulp (1/2 gallon)
Richfood Green Peas (16oz)
Decas Dried Cranberries with Orange Essence (1/2 lb bag)
A&W Root Beer (2 liter)
Arrowhead Mills Organic Quinoa (14oz)
Barilla Campanelle (16oz)
Canada Dry Ginger Ale (2 liter)
College Inn Light & Fat Free Chicken Broth (14.5oz)
De Cecco Orecchiette (16oz)
Quaker Honey Oh's (12oz)
Sunkist Orange Soda (2L)
Spicy Vodka Sauce (16 fl oz)
FreshDirect Fresh Pork Bratwurst
Grade A Large Organic Brown Eggs (1 dozen)
Baby Bello Mushrooms, Packaged (8oz, Farm Fresh)
Basil (Farm Fresh)
Green Kale (Farm Fresh)
Mayan Sweet Onion (Farm Fresh)
Scallions (Farm Fresh)
Shiitake Mushrooms, Packaged (3.5oz, Farm Fresh)
Yukon Gold Potato (Farm Fresh, Med)
$84.66
Fresh Direct said that my grocery list is identical to that of the last order from Peter Braunstein before he starting raping those people.